stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
