Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
