I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
