Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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