There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
