The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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