it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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