Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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