And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
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Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
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Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Drake has all the answers
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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