Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
