We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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