ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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