Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize