i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
