you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
