I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
