The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
