She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
