I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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