i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
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Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
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Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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