we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
