why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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