my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
