thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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