Tell her she can't have a vagina
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize