Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
