my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
