Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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