Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
