Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
