My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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