You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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