i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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