my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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