You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The beer is more important than you right now.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
