Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
