literally had 100 drinks last night.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
