that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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