it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
