One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
sarcasm needs its own font
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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