Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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