Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
