I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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