Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
