Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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