I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
