i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize