Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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