I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
