Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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