Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
