Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
