and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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