i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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