Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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