honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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